Riku and the Haunted House
by Anastatius Cypress
Summary: An absurd oneshot. Riku, while in a haunted house, is confronted by a mysterious disembodied voice with an odd way of going about things. Cactus juice and a limo crash are involved.


Disclaimer: I do not own any Kingdom Hearts characters, if I did, I would be a wealthy Japanese man.

This is a near pointless little oneshot that involves Riku, a disembodied voice, a toy dog, cactus juice, and a limo crash.

A note on the disembodied voice: Even I, the writer, have no idea who this is meant to represent. Put whoever you want in that slot, mix it up, have fun with it!

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A lone bottle of cactus juice sat on the otherwise empty table. An innocent poke was made upon its side, yet the one watching this act overlooked its innocence. A booming voice sounded, causing the young man who had touched the container to jump up with a start.

"Who has soiled my cookie platter!?" boomed a bold, disembodied voice.

Riku stared blankly. "W-what?" he stammered

"You heard me!"

"Yeah, but I don't know what you mean-" he was cut off sharply.

"Silence! Fetch me napkins!"

Shortly after this odd request was made, both fell into an awkward silence. Crickets began to chirp in the distance, which was odd, considering it was still in the middle of the afternoon. Clichés know no boundaries it seems.

"Can I just-?"

"No!"

"Are you sure-?"

"Yes!"

Riku sighed and started towards the door empty handed. His hand had almost reached the brass doorknob when a menacing and inhuman growl came forth from the opposite side. He hesitated, and then looked inquiringly back in the direction from which the voice seemed to have come from. He received only a spiteful cackle.

"Aha! You seen now child, I shall not be thwarted so easily! I suggest you make yourself at home as quickly as you can, you shall remain in my grasp for all eternity!" Extra emphasis was put on the last three words, and a brief line of dramatic classical music sounded. Riku jumped, wondering where on earth the music could have possibly come from.

As that initial shock passed, a thought struck Riku, "But if I'm going to be here for all eternity, why would I need to hurry with making myself at home? Couldn't I take my time with it?" He crossed his arms and sighed. Some people just didn't have any common sense nowadays.

An uncomfortable pause followed this statement. He did have a point. Riku simply stood in one place, arms crossed and eyes closed, waiting for a witty response. Right as he was about to give up on waiting and attempt to make some nonchalant steps towards the exit, the voice piped up.

"Well, you see my darling, there's a light on one side that simply just won't light, so I'm taking it back to my workshop to-"

Riku let out a loud noise of vexation at this mindless and nonsensical answer.

"Just forget it!" he yelled, reaching his hand towards the container of cactus juice. He was going to get out of here now, and he might as well bring something to show for it, or at least do something to upset this crazed man.

Yet just as he was about to grasp the bottle, the voice cried out again, but this time in an ungodly and shrieking manner. It shouted random syllables that failed to form any words, in any languages. This was enough to make anyone, including Riku, instantly freeze and develop a serious risk of becoming completely insane. While clutching the sides of his head, he rigidly turned himself to face the back left-hand corner of the room, where the noise seemed to be sounding from. Looking upwards, he could see what seemed to be a small black box mounted high up on the wall. It looked to be a speaker. Riku began to focus in on it, when the voice abruptly stopped its glass shattering screeches and cried out to him.

"Stop looking at me! I'm naked!!" it shouted in a somewhat vulnerable tone.

Shocked into politeness, Riku quickly turned his head in the opposite direction. Then he though about what he was doing, and let it snap back to its previous position. It was a speaker! Riku suddenly felt cheated, for this power hungry, yet obviously confused voice was coming from a tiny speaker in the corner of the room. No ghosts, no magic, just cheap audio equipment.

"So much for a haunted house," he muttered, and then let out a loud exasperated sigh. Riku decided that from that point on he would never take anything Wakka said seriously ever again. He quickly grabbed the bottle of juice and headed towards the door once more, this time determined to walk out of that place.

"Fool!" the voice cried out overdramatically, "You shall never survive!"

This warning did not do one thing to discourage Riku. Without even flinching, he reached the door and extended his hand towards the doorknob.

"The guardian shall surely rip you limb from limb! You will fail!!"

He grasped the doorknob and did not hesitate to pull the door open. Bright sunlight filtered into the formerly dank and dreary room.

"Have it your way then!! Face the guardian and perish! Perish I say!"

At Riku's feet, a sudden "poof" of smoke appeared. When the sparkling cloud dissipated the "guardian" appeared, and it seemed just a tad bit out of place. This "guardian" turned out to be a small, stiff-legged toy doggie. The doggie yipped and hopped once, yipped and hopped a second time, and on the third yip made a sad attempt at a flip. After all of its efforts caused it to land pathetically on its side, it continued to try and repeat the process without the foothold commonly known as ground. Sad indeed. Riku briefly stared at the doggie, utterly unimpressed, and then walked out the front door. Triumphant classical music sounded on his exit onto the front porch. Riku smirked, and placed the bottle right before the door's threshold, just out of this "specter's" reach (who by the way, was currently lamenting loudly about Riku's escape.)

Waiting a fair distance from the house, which from the outside looked ancient, abandoned, and dilapidated, were Sora and Kairi. They had been waiting outside the entire time he was in there, which was a total of about five minutes. As Riku casually walked up to them, they rushed forward to meet him, looking up at him expectantly.

"Did you see anything!?" shouted Sora, much too loudly. Riku stepped back from him a few feet.

He sighed and shook his head, "It's not even worth going in there you guys…" He considered that explanation to be enough and started off towards the dock; there wasn't much else to do on the island that day.

A look of terror came over Kairi's face. "No! Wait!!" she shouted, clutching Riku's arm. He paused and looked down at her. "You'll drown!!"

Riku stared at her incredulously. "Kairi," said Riku, "We've lived on an island all of our life, we go swimming every day, I'm nowhere near the water! We're not going to drow-"

Riku's obvious statement was cut off by a large black limo speeding out of the jungle and crashing straight into the dock, completely destroying it. The three teenagers gazed on in complete and utter shock. Sora was the first to recover.

"Riku! She just saved your life!" Sora's eyes were wide with admiration.

Riku turned towards Sora. "No she didn't!"

At this point the car and what was left of the dock had begun to catch on fire.

"I wouldn't have even been there at the pace I was walking!" he continued.

"No way! She did!" insisted Sora.

"Sora… no!"

At this reproach, the brown-haired boy's round blue eyes filled with tears of anger and frustration as he fled from the group. Riku and Kairi watched him disappear into the distance, heading further and further from civilization all the while.

Kairi took a step closer to Riku. "Should we go get him?" she asked, subtly pointing out his lack of direction.

"Nah." Riku replied casually, "Let him run, he'll eventually come back home."

With that said, the two headed for home, while Sora continued rushing miles away. He circled his way around the entire island by the early hours of morning; by that time he had grown tired and was forced to spend the night under the burnt remains of the dock A bit sad, but not something he wasn't used to doing.

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